And another year goes by ---

It’s my birthday today. Another year older, hopefully another year wiser. I spend a lot of my time thinking about how much Grey has grown - how he went from being a newborn to a now 4 year old, but I often forget that just as he’s getting older, so am I. I’ve also grown 4 years since having him, and I’m now closer to 40 than I am 30 😅. 

The last year has been incredible. I can’t put into words exactly how I feel, except to say that I feel so much gratitude and joy that I feel it in the very pit of my stomach. That even in our heartbreak of losing Rambo, he brought us the most perfect dog, Catboy. That we’ve been able to see Ngoai in person and have long lingering afternoons together. That we’ve simply been able to HUG each other again.

I don’t know if it’s age or just life in general, but I find so much happiness and joy in such little things now. Getting an early morning coffee. Taking a walk by myself. Reading a book, uninterrupted. I also find myself daydreaming about my childhood often, and the memories are always twofold: that my mom gave us everything she could, while simultaneously giving herself nothing. Her favorite things were going to the grocery store, or taking us to school, or being the mom that would drop off eggrolls to our student council mtgs. And I think about the guilt a lot — knowing that my mom never gave herself anything she wanted or even anything she needed. And now here I am, realizing that everything she did, regardless of how small it seemed, were the things that truly made her happy. All the things that brought me guilt as a child are now the things I look forward to the most. Going to the grocery store. Taking Grey to school. Becoming that mom that drops off treats. So many years were spent fighting with my mom on her birthday, begging her to let me buy her a new outfit or purse or something silly, only to realize now that even I don’t want that stuff. Her joy was us. It’s still just us.

Grey crawled into our bed this morning and immediately needed to have a stare down contest with dada. We laughed until our bellies hurt. And then I spent the morning waiting for the electrician to come fix our meter, sat around and read books with Grey, did a city wide scavenger hunt, and went and saw Ngoai before heading home to make pasta. Sometime between all of that, Grey and I found ourselves at an empty playground and he was SO happy to go on the swings - something we haven’t done since the summer. He asked me to push him higher and higher and higher, and the joy on his face —- man. That was all I needed for my birthday. Just that single moment. ❤️

Hello, old friend.

The funny thing about this space is that I actually think about it all the time. It’s always in the back of my mind. Something happens and I immediately think “oh, I need to write that down.. I need to remember that”. And then I actually come to this space whenever I find myself with a free half an hour… and I sit here, and I think about what I want to say, but then I never actually say any of it.

And now it’s February and I’ve been wanting to write here since December. After Christmas. After the New Year. After all the scares we had with Rambo. After all the crazy back and forth with our old house and new house. After baby Skai was born. After the inauguration. After Rambo’s passing. After one of the hardest weeks of our lives. After Rambo’s supposed-to-be-14th bday. After dada’s birthday. After my birthday. After. After. After. After. Always after so much of life has happened.

But I have to remind myself that being present is a very hard thing - and I’m always here AFTER because I’m there, in the moment. And even when it’s hard, I’m dealing with it. I’m processing. I heard a line the other day that completely stopped me in my tracks and it went “If you can’t allow me the time to process what happened over the need for me to make you to feel okay, then this will never work” - and I think more people need to say that, in way more situations.

Anyways, my thoughts are a hodge podge. It’s just been a really weird month. It’s been both extremely happy and extremely sad, and that’s a hard thing to balance when only 30 days has passed 😅. My biggest concern has been how Grey would handle Rambo’s absence - afterall, Rambo was (and is) Grey’s literal only friend. It’s been almost an entire year of quarantine for us, and Grey plays with no one. Only Justice maybe 2x a month, and the rest of the days are just spent with me and Rambo. And when I’m working or on calls, it’s Grey and Rambo both running around the house, playing IronMan and Black Panther, chasing each other and just… playing. They slept together, they ate together, they even watched movies together. And I know that Grey doesn’t really understand —- he always just says, “Rambo’s at the old house” and we look for him at the old house every time we go back there, which just breaks my heart a thousand times more. Grey now always says that “Rambo is with Bella” (our other dog that passed last year), but I’m still not sure he knows what it means. I’ve tried to consciously and intentionally make sure that I’m ‘playing’ with Grey any chance I get, even if I’m in the middle of big projects or work calls. But needless to say, it’s been really quiet and kind of somber around here, even as much as I try to make sure it’s not. We’re adjusting, and we’ll keep adjusting, but we miss him more than we know what to do with.

Here’s to hoping that February will be nothing short of amazing. I’m excited for so many things this month - Tet (Vietnamese/ Lunar New Year), tons of Valentine’s baking, our fence finally being installed, our SHADES going up lollll, and lots of days off to spend with grandma. What a beautiful, beautiful life. ❤️

We're home: 12/21/2020

I think about this concept of ‘home’ a lot. Growing up, we moved around a few times. My childhood home was in this tiny little house, living with 9 people under the same roof. My favorite memories were made there. My parents were still together there. My sisters and brothers and I grew up there.

And then we moved after my dad passed away, and I remember that home only slightly. I remember being rebellious and having terrible boyfriends LOL, and never really listening to my mom. I don’t know if it was the area/ environment, or if it was just my way of dealing with loss.

And then we moved again, to another home subsidized by section 8, where I lived throughout high school and college. And I threw the craziest parties and I made a lot of bad decisions, followed by some really great ones. I truly grew up there - mentally and emotionally.

And then my mom would move again, 2 more times.

Moving - it’s a huge ordeal, and it uproots you from so much of what you know/ who you know. Sometimes I wonder if my life would be different if we had just stayed in one place, vs. moving around house after house. But the thoughts are empty and quick, because it all led me here, right where I am. Right where I belong.

I think so much about how I want to raise Grey, how I want him to grow up, the types of experiences I want him to have vs. the type of experiences I want to give to him. I didn’t travel at all growing up, we didn’t have luxuries - I wanted to go to college so I paid for college, all on my own. Every single one of my sisters/ brothers did. And these are things that I love and things that define me, regardless of the struggle or how hard they were in the moment. I value so much because even though we had little, we had SO MUCH in love and family, so I often feel conflicted about what and how much Grey has. I think this is partly why I’ve always stressed the importance of being thankful. For everything, regardless of how small.

All this to say - I loved our old home so much. I still do. Matt and I made a home there. At one point, we had 3 dogs and a baby, lol. We brought Grey home there, raised him, had his first Christmas there. We dreamt of our future home there —- and we made it happen. After years of planning and saving, we are here. And while we are so grateful and happy, I keep reminding myself despite how beautiful and perfect this place is, HOME is more than just where we are. It’s all of the memories, the people, the experiences. This place would be so empty and meaningless without us together - dad, Grey, Rambo. THEY are home. ❤️

Feeling so incredibly thankful that I’ve had so many beautiful and happy homes in my lifetime. I pray that I will give Grey all the same. <3

And really - how incredible was it that it SNOWED ON OUR FIRST DAY IN OUR NEW HOME? 😭😭😭

Christmas memories

The other day, my husband asked me what my favorite Christmas gift was as a child - and I sat there for a minute and then I told him, “I don’t remember any gifts, because we didn’t really get any gifts.”

If you asked me about my childhood, I would tell you all the beautiful things and all of the extremely vivid memories that I have. We had 2 cherry trees in our backyard, and we would spend hours climbing it and shaking the tree, pretending that it was snowing. I learned how to ride a bike in my backyard, using my neighbors bicycle that was way too tall for me. We melted crayons in the sun and made playdough. My sisters and I took popsicle sticks and turned them into the most elaborate paper dolls. We designed clothing and shoes and accessories using paper. We would go into the kitchen and sneak fermented shrimp from the batch that my mom was making. And we spent hours and hours in the hammock, snuggled between two beautiful and gorgeous cherry trees.

My childhood was so beautiful and exciting and happy. I never felt inferior because were poor, even though we literally had 9 people living in a 3 bedroom house with a single bathroom. Or that there were barely any Christmas gifts under the tree, or that I didn’t go on field trips that required money. I always knew we didn’t have money - you never asked mom for money, ever - but it never made me feel any kind of way. We weren’t sad because we didn’t have money. We weren’t angry, or jealous, or bitter. Money was just something you either had or didn’t, and we just didn’t have it.

When my dad passed away in his 40’s — only 3 weeks after discovering he had lung cancer, I remember our entire family packing up to move from our 3 bedroom house to another house in the low-income side of town. And as devastating or as embarrassing as I’m sure it was, I only remember feeling excited that we were moving into a new home. I didn’t even realize that you had to qualify to live in these homes, that you literally had to be at poverty level. I was just happy to be in a new space, and to have a park right outside our backyard.

I don’t even know where I’m going with any of this, except to say, I don’t remember any gifts because we just didn’t get any. But, every single year, like clockwork, my mom would get all of us a box of Old Dutch chips and wrap them under the tree. It was a whole thing. We’d put the tree up, which only had lights and garland and candy canes because hello, what were ornaments, lol. And then she’d bring down a box of ‘gifts’ that she collected throughout the entire year from her ‘mall’ (mall = thrift store), and we would all sit down beside her, each one of us wrapping a gift or two. We did this every single year and it is one of my most vivid and favorite memories. And it was beautiful - these perfectly shaped boxes filled the Christmas tree, and no one but us knew that they were just chip boxes.

For as little as we had, my mom sure made us feel like we had everything. And all I can do is hope that I can share those same sentiments with Grey. Now to find a box of Old Dutch chips for our tree… ❤️

Hi.

I don’t know if anyone actually comes here to read anything, or if it’s literally just me writing to myself, which tbh, I actually kind of love. I don’t think about this blog often, and I definitely don’t write here enough to maintain any type of following, but sometimes I feel the words flowing out of me and then here I am.

I can’t believe Grey is only a few days from 3. That I literally gave birth to this kid 3 years ago. That somehow we passed everything - the newborn stage, baby stage, learning to crawl, learning to walk, potty training, learning to talk, learning to do so much on his own stages. I have a full on human in my life.

We were sitting on the ground last night playing a game, all of us, and I couldn’t help but think that a child comes into your life and somehow seamlessly fits it. It’s like we’ve always had this space carved out for him without even knowing it - just waiting for him to fill it. And we are just so happy. Like truly, truly happy. We played this silly game for almost an hour and we were just laughing and giggling and present the entire time. It was/ is probably one of my favorite memories of 2020 so far.

I’m just so grateful for this boy - for every single day that I get with him. I have learned more in these 3 years about life and love than I have all my years. I’ve also learned to enjoy cake pops occasionally 🥴. Grey savors them - takes long and slow bites and chews purposefully. Like he does everything. ❤️

Anyway, my house is currently a mess. Like I walk in the door and immediately get overwhelmed and want to turn around and leave type of mess. There are just boxes EVERYWHERE - which, obviously, we are packing, but it’s overwhelming. I want to decorate for Grey’s birthday, for Thanksgiving, for Christmas - but we have no exact timeline for when our house will be ready. Originally we were told next year which felt kind of perfect, we’d get through the holidays and also have a chance to enjoy them in our home one last time. But then I was told just last week that we’ll probably be in our house by December and that just kind of puts a halt to everything. Thankfully I took the entire week off so I could pack + celebrate Grey’s birthday. We also just went back into lockdown in Washington, so I definitely have all the time to pack 😅.

Election Day, 11/3/20

I keep thinking about election day 4 years ago. I wasn’t pregnant, I wasn’t even thinking about getting pregnant, it was just me, my husband and our 2 dogs. And when they announced the winner, I nearly broke down and cried. And now here we are - 4 years later, and my anxiety is at an all time high - even higher than it was 4 years ago.

I have a child now, an amazing boy who will someday change the world, and even before I had him, I was voting for him. I was and am voting for all people. People of all color. All circumstances. All situations.

It is both heartbreaking and terrifying that this is our world. I think about how Grey will grow up - what he will grow up learning, knowing, experiencing. And it’s not right. As his mother, all I ever want to do is protect him. But as a literal citizen of the United States, it’s also how I feel about the inequality of everyone else. I want to mama bear protect everyone, even though I know I can’t.

The power I do have is my vote. You have that power, too. Please use it. Please vote for humanity, womens rights, science!!!!!!, and for a future that has empathy. ❤️

Halloween, among other things

I couldn’t fall asleep last night - which seems to be a common thing these days - and so like a crazy person, I stayed up all night and ordered a ton of Halloween costumes. I also made mental notes of the ones I want to diy and paint, bc I know for certain we are NOT going trick or treatin’ or taking Grey out for that matter. We’ll probably just do something silly and have him treat or treat from every bedroom in our house, bc he’s definitely been practicing 😂

It really is so crazy to think about how much has changed in just a matter of months. I often think about how lonely my mom is, and how she used to spend SO MUCH TIME with Grey, and now all they’ve really got are facetime calls. We visit her but we only go as far as the porch, although Grey did run away from me once and ran straight into the house and into grandma’s arms. So sad. So sad that kids literally have no idea what is happening, they just know that they’re constantly being separated from the people they love. And my family is huge and we’re all super close and we LOVE the holidays. But no doubt the holidays will be different this year. As much as we all want to see each other and spend more time together, ultimately what we’re all trying to do is keep our mom safe. Literally we cannot and will not take any chances when it comes to mom.

The one upside to all of this is that I’ve 100% become a homebody. Me - the person who was always out, would drives hours just to try a new restaurant, always went away for the weekends, took Grey everywhere, trips practically every month, literally the person who bought her groceries daily instead of weekly. About 95% of me loves that I’m comfortable being home and enjoy being home now, while the other 5% of me is still screaming on a daily basis LOL.

Quick, easy and delicious meals

I know that I don't talk about myself too often or share too much about my life in general, aside from Grey things - but did you know that I am a working mama? Like fulltime, full career, job I love and don't plan on ever leaving? And as much as I love having Grey with me 24/7, it's definitely hard some days. I've been on way too many calls where he's needed help going potty, or the doorbell rang and Grey and the dog are going crazy, or stuck in meetings while Grey is begging for a nap. It definitely gets hard but I wouldn't give up this time with him for anything.

So the last thing I want to worry about is food. You all know I only make salads for lunch or feed Grey NurtureLife, mostly because there is not a single thought process included in those decisions. I make hodge-podge salads every single day. Lettuce and whatever else I have in the fridge, lol. And I scarf it down in like 5 minutes. As much as I'd like to enjoy it and the moment, I just don't have time.

But when it comes to cooking dinner - I'm all about it. I love making dinner for my family. Mostly because the work day is done, the laptop is closed, dad is home, and mama can just RELAX. And even better than making dinner is making a DELICIOUS dinner. We recently made 2 amazing recipes with MyFoodandFamily (one was dinner and the other a breakfast sandwich!) and they were SO good I'm sharing them with you!!

If you want something delicious, satisfying but still feels light, make this Southwest Chicken Parmesan and Rice - it is SO SO SO good.

Link to Southwest Chicken Parmesan and Rice:  https://www.myfoodandfamily.com/recipe/220948/southwest-chicken-parmesan-and-rice?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=influencer2020&utm_content=paid

And if you're short on time but want to have possibly one of the best breakfast sandwiches ever (literally, it has everything a good sandwich should have - including a hashbrown!!), make this Breakfast Waffle Sandwich.

Link to Breakfast Waffle Sandwich:  https://www.myfoodandfamily.com/recipe/221466/breakfast-waffle-sandwich?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=influencer2020&utm_content=paid

Cheers and happy cooking!

Cooking

For as long as I can remember, food has always been my mom's love language.  She only speaks Vietnamese, so whenever she wanted to show her gratitude, she would make food.  Food for our neighbors.  Food for our friends.  Food for our boyfriends turned husbands.  I would watch my mom spend hours making Vietnamese dishes by hand, rolling out every single piece of dough for the dumplings and then wrapping them into individual banana leaves.  She would make hundreds of them at a time, just peacefully humming to herself while we kids just went about our day, not even recognizing the amount of work and love she poured into every single dumpling.

I didn't realize it then, but this same act of love would transfer itself to me.  Regardless of my day, I look forward to cooking for my family.  I put on some music, Grey and his dad play out back in the yard, and I just kind of zone out.  And when it's all done and ready, I put that same amount of love into plating the food.  Because for me, just like my mom, food is love.

And while I'd love to say that I have time every single day to make an incredibly delicious and time-consuming meal, I don't.  And that's just the reality of being a parent, especially one who also works from home and is trying to raise both a toddler and a dog, lol.  This is why I've partnered with MyFoodandFamily magazine— they have a huge catalog of recipes that are easy, delicious and many that only require staple items, things you've already got in the home.  Grey and I made the Sheet Pan Chicken Quesadilla and the Sheet Pan Magic Crust Pizza and they were both SO easy and totally greyandmama approved.  I've honestly never tried to make my own pizza crust, but who knew it was so easy!  Most importantly for me, though, is that these recipes only required items that I already had in both my pantry and my fridge.  No need to run to the store or get groceries delivered - and I just omitted the things I didn't have.  I think it's important to do what fulfills you, while also making sure it's still manageable.

Link to Sheet Pan Quesadilla: 

https://www.myfoodandfamily.com/recipe/220943/sheet-pan-chicken-quesadilla?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=influencer2020&utm_content=greyandmama

Link to Sheet Pan Pizza: https://www.myfoodandfamily.com/recipe/220944/sheet-pan-pizza-with-magic-crust?utm_source=blog&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=influencer2020&utm_content=greyandmama

Rambling

I woke up in the middle of the night last night, with this overwhelming feeling of needing to protect Grey. I stayed up for literally 3 hours (in and out of sleep) manually deleting every person off of his private Instagram account. An account I've had for Grey even before he was born. It has so many personal and private moments, so many photos, so many videos - things that are just so personal to us as a family that I had to remove access. I just had to. And even though I'm only half awake today, I feel so glad that I spent the time doing it.

All of this happened out of nowhere. In a matter of 3 months, Grey has gained over 3m followers. I don't know how I feel about it most days, but at the same time, I know how much light and love this kid exudes. I understand the obsession and the reason why he has this following. Ultimately, I just want to do whatever I need to and CAN do to keep him safe. To ensure that when he grows up, he won't have this complex about how he sees himself - that the opinions of the internet won't be more important than the opinions of his family.

So for now, while this is fun and while Grey is still too young to understand what is happening, we'll continue to spread love and joy and light. But the minute it becomes more than that, this will be over for us. We didn't ask or want or expect any of this, so it going away will never be an issue for us. And knowing that puts me at ease. <3 

Purpose

It’s June 3, 2020. Somehow half of the year is over and I cannot even begin to recap what a mess this year has been. What a year it’ll undoubtedly continue to be. 

While I know you’re here for the merch, I also want to make sure that everything we (Grey, mama and dada) do from this point on do not distract from what is ultimately the most important thing — freedom, equality, human rights, and justice. This is the world that we are living in, and we all have the opportunity and the chance to help CHANGE it. And ultimately, this is the world that Grey will grow up in, live in, raise his kids in. As his parents, we owe it to him to make it better — we owe it to all children.

Thank you for being here, thank you for helping support this cause that is so dear to our hearts, and thank you for appreciating the small wonders of the world. Thank you for appreciating our boy. 

xo, greyandmama