The funny thing about this space is that I actually think about it all the time. It’s always in the back of my mind. Something happens and I immediately think “oh, I need to write that down.. I need to remember that”. And then I actually come to this space whenever I find myself with a free half an hour… and I sit here, and I think about what I want to say, but then I never actually say any of it.
And now it’s February and I’ve been wanting to write here since December. After Christmas. After the New Year. After all the scares we had with Rambo. After all the crazy back and forth with our old house and new house. After baby Skai was born. After the inauguration. After Rambo’s passing. After one of the hardest weeks of our lives. After Rambo’s supposed-to-be-14th bday. After dada’s birthday. After my birthday. After. After. After. After. Always after so much of life has happened.
But I have to remind myself that being present is a very hard thing - and I’m always here AFTER because I’m there, in the moment. And even when it’s hard, I’m dealing with it. I’m processing. I heard a line the other day that completely stopped me in my tracks and it went “If you can’t allow me the time to process what happened over the need for me to make you to feel okay, then this will never work” - and I think more people need to say that, in way more situations.
Anyways, my thoughts are a hodge podge. It’s just been a really weird month. It’s been both extremely happy and extremely sad, and that’s a hard thing to balance when only 30 days has passed 😅. My biggest concern has been how Grey would handle Rambo’s absence - afterall, Rambo was (and is) Grey’s literal only friend. It’s been almost an entire year of quarantine for us, and Grey plays with no one. Only Justice maybe 2x a month, and the rest of the days are just spent with me and Rambo. And when I’m working or on calls, it’s Grey and Rambo both running around the house, playing IronMan and Black Panther, chasing each other and just… playing. They slept together, they ate together, they even watched movies together. And I know that Grey doesn’t really understand —- he always just says, “Rambo’s at the old house” and we look for him at the old house every time we go back there, which just breaks my heart a thousand times more. Grey now always says that “Rambo is with Bella” (our other dog that passed last year), but I’m still not sure he knows what it means. I’ve tried to consciously and intentionally make sure that I’m ‘playing’ with Grey any chance I get, even if I’m in the middle of big projects or work calls. But needless to say, it’s been really quiet and kind of somber around here, even as much as I try to make sure it’s not. We’re adjusting, and we’ll keep adjusting, but we miss him more than we know what to do with.
Here’s to hoping that February will be nothing short of amazing. I’m excited for so many things this month - Tet (Vietnamese/ Lunar New Year), tons of Valentine’s baking, our fence finally being installed, our SHADES going up lollll, and lots of days off to spend with grandma. What a beautiful, beautiful life. ❤️