It’s my birthday today. Another year older, hopefully another year wiser. I spend a lot of my time thinking about how much Grey has grown - how he went from being a newborn to a now 4 year old, but I often forget that just as he’s getting older, so am I. I’ve also grown 4 years since having him, and I’m now closer to 40 than I am 30 😅.
The last year has been incredible. I can’t put into words exactly how I feel, except to say that I feel so much gratitude and joy that I feel it in the very pit of my stomach. That even in our heartbreak of losing Rambo, he brought us the most perfect dog, Catboy. That we’ve been able to see Ngoai in person and have long lingering afternoons together. That we’ve simply been able to HUG each other again.
I don’t know if it’s age or just life in general, but I find so much happiness and joy in such little things now. Getting an early morning coffee. Taking a walk by myself. Reading a book, uninterrupted. I also find myself daydreaming about my childhood often, and the memories are always twofold: that my mom gave us everything she could, while simultaneously giving herself nothing. Her favorite things were going to the grocery store, or taking us to school, or being the mom that would drop off eggrolls to our student council mtgs. And I think about the guilt a lot — knowing that my mom never gave herself anything she wanted or even anything she needed. And now here I am, realizing that everything she did, regardless of how small it seemed, were the things that truly made her happy. All the things that brought me guilt as a child are now the things I look forward to the most. Going to the grocery store. Taking Grey to school. Becoming that mom that drops off treats. So many years were spent fighting with my mom on her birthday, begging her to let me buy her a new outfit or purse or something silly, only to realize now that even I don’t want that stuff. Her joy was us. It’s still just us.
Grey crawled into our bed this morning and immediately needed to have a stare down contest with dada. We laughed until our bellies hurt. And then I spent the morning waiting for the electrician to come fix our meter, sat around and read books with Grey, did a city wide scavenger hunt, and went and saw Ngoai before heading home to make pasta. Sometime between all of that, Grey and I found ourselves at an empty playground and he was SO happy to go on the swings - something we haven’t done since the summer. He asked me to push him higher and higher and higher, and the joy on his face —- man. That was all I needed for my birthday. Just that single moment. ❤️